Sitting at the computer, munching on pecans and pretzels on a full stomach, I feel fat. I straighten up, hold my stomach in, make a mental promise. My improved posture is short-lived. I’m not even aware of when it happens, but the next time I check myself, there I am again – all slouchy, an invertebrate glob.
I try again. Same song. It’s hopeless. Nothing but willpower will do, but there’s none to be had. Why do I let it all hang out? Because I can. Spandex, sweat-pants, elastic waists; even my blue-jeans are stretchable, designed to accommodate the most slovenly of positions.
So what do I start thinking about? Corsets. Ah, yes, the corset. If I were wearing a corset, I wouldn’t be slumped and spilling out. With a corset, there is discipline, definition, contour, constraint. Think leash, fence, bit and bridle. Think strong, hearty, prairie-woman, back straight and tall. Think law, the narrow way, standards, absolute truth.
What is wrong with me? I have bills to pay, food to cook, lessons to plan, prayers to pray, and here I am searching for corsets on Ebay. I learn that real corsets cost $280, that there are websites extolling the virtues of girdles (by and for women and men), and that most corset advertisements have the word “fetish” in them. It’s time to take a refreshing, mind-clearing walk in the woods.
While on the walk, breathing fresh air, praying to my Creator, (who created Eve to wear NO CORSET!!), reciting scripture, looking at the beauty of my beloved Wolf River Nature walk, I come to my senses.
I will buy a corset. I will wear it for 30 days and record my observations. It will become my first book. It will be called, “Lessons from a Corset.” (Delusions of grandeur are frequent visitors in my musings.)
It has been three days since I bought and started wearing my "corset". It’s 9:51 p.m., and I can TAKE IT OFF!!!! More later.
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4 comments:
You are nuts. I hope the book makes millions of dollars to reward you for your sufferings! When I bought my first pair of Spanx last year, I thought: it's all downhill from here. I hadn't worn a panty-girdle since the 60s when I heard the phrase, "Let it all hang out." Write on....
Doesn't it push everything upward to spill over? Sounds like excruciating pain. Perhaps you should try one of the full body corsets available at the behavioral care facility I recently visited.
Yes. Almost. My friends, family, and coworkers would concur with your final suggestion.
You are so funny!!!
I too, have delusions of grandeur...they have yet to lead me to a corset..... :>) Kim
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